Running from Crazy!!!


Tuesday, May 10, 2011


Sometimes life gets complicated. Sometimes relationships get complicated. You would think being married to a Marine for half of my life (jj), I would be better with long-distance relationships. Well, I am not. Especially, when I am in a "weak" state-of-mind. This is a flaw that I really need to work on and fix. Let's back-up a bit, so I can explain why this conversation is taking place.

No one knows what is going on in your life.....well, unless you tell them. Eric and I are enjoying life right now. He isn't deployed. Nor, will he be for awhile. We have a beautiful son that is happy and healthy. He is so smart. I am fortunate that I can stay home and be with him. I don't take loving my family and being happy for granted. Because, at one point, I was so stressed and depressed that I couldn't sleep. I would stay up for hours obsessing, looking on the internet, reading books......all because I wasn't sure what was going on with Asher.

See, everyone has trouble with transition. We moved to 3 different places in a year. Eric was here one minute, and gone the next. We started noticing Asher doing things that we couldn't explain (stimming). He was also behind in his speech.

At first, I was in total denial. Everytime he had a check-up, I would say to myself, "yes, of course he is doing all of these things." He meets all of his age-markers. But, deep down I knew something was off. Something wasn't right. I remember the night before Eric left for Afghanistan we sat there and watched Asher run around flapping his arms making the loudest sound. He could do this for an hour straight if we let him. Eric simply asked, "What is he doing?" I just thought to myself. I have no freakin clue. No other kid that I know does this. There were so many signals and conversations that happened before this enlightening moment, but for some reason, his simple question hit me like a ton of bricks. The denial went out the door. I decided that as soon as I said goodbye to my husband (next day), I would more denial. I wanted to know exactly what Asher was doing and why. It consumed me. It was almost a blessing that Eric wasn't around. I was an absolute disaster. I'm pretty sure that I broke records for getting shit done though. I had Asher in Speech, Occupational Therapy, Physical Therapy and Developmental Therapy within 2 months. Before that, a neurological evaluation, genetic testing, metabolic testing, electrophysiologic testing (CT scan, MR Imaging, PET scan) among others.

I wasn't sleeping. I wasn't eating properly. I wasn't exercising. I was drinking more than I should. My hair was getting super thin and I felt so emotional, weak and ugly. I was at a really low point. I felt so alone. Realistically, I wasn't. I had friends. I had family. But, every time I talked to anyone, I would get defensive and more depressed. I really fought hard not to do this with Eric when he would call. The more I felt weak, the less I wanted to share with anybody. It doesn't make sense, but this is what happened. My friendships have suffered or have been lost because I fell short to share my life.

Like I said before, life is wonderful now. Asher is doing freakin amazing! I'm so proud of him. He's brilliant, playful and I can't get him to shut-up now! And, I am so thankful. For all of it. Feeling helpless, guilty, lonely, ugly, sad, mad and out of control. I wouldn't change any of that, because it has taught me so much.

One of the back-lashes though is the simple fact that I didn't share with some of the people I loved. Hell, I didn't even share everything with Eric. D-I-S-T-A-N-C-E. It's easy not to share when there is hundreds/thousands miles of distance between you and another person. It doesn't make it right. I wish I wasn't like this. Someday, I hope to kick this flaw.

One of the reasons for doing this blog originally, was for it to be a diary. But, it has actually morphed into a picture album where I don't tell any of my deep thoughts or feeling because I don't want to be judged or have to explain myself. Again, keeping the distance. So, here it is.....this has been on my mind FOREVER....especially after Sunday night when I finally talked to my former best friend. She is getting married. She has this whole life that I know nothing about. She told me that she has been through so much. I wasn't there. I'm not a bridesmaid. Heck, I feel lucky that Eric and I were invited. I am so glad (words can't describe) that she called. Hopefully, I'll be able to heal things with her. I really want to.

As for this blog, I'm going to give you pictures. I'm going to show you most of everything good. But, watch out.....because when I'm feeling crazy and dark, I will share it with you.



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